1 00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:52,180 MAN NARRATING: As the 21st century began, 2 00:00:52,270 --> 00:00:55,890 human evolution was at a turning point. 3 00:00:55,980 --> 00:01:00,930 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, 4 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,390 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, 5 00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:08,390 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, 6 00:01:08,470 --> 00:01:10,890 now began to favor different traits. 7 00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:13,390 REPORTER: The Joey Buttafuoco case-- 8 00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:16,930 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 9 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,560 and more intelligent. 10 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:24,100 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. 11 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:26,100 A dumbing down. 12 00:01:26,180 --> 00:01:28,430 How did this happen? 13 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,470 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. 14 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,430 With no natural predators to thin the herd, 15 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,390 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 16 00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:43,140 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. 17 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:47,640 Having kids is such an important decision. 18 00:01:47,730 --> 00:01:49,430 We're just waiting for the right time. 19 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,560 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 20 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,600 No way. 21 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,100 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! 22 00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:59,310 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 23 00:01:59,390 --> 00:02:02,640 -I thought you was on the pill or some shit! -Hell, no! 24 00:02:02,730 --> 00:02:04,640 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 25 00:02:04,730 --> 00:02:06,980 Brittany? No, you didn't! 26 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,180 There's no way we could have a child now. Mm-mm. 27 00:02:10,270 --> 00:02:12,310 Not with the market the way it is, no. 28 00:02:12,390 --> 00:02:14,680 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 29 00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:17,680 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 30 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,470 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 31 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,810 -She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! -Clevon! 32 00:02:23,890 --> 00:02:26,980 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 33 00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:30,270 Well, we finally decided to have children, 34 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:33,680 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 35 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,640 And this is helping. 36 00:02:36,730 --> 00:02:39,770 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to-- 37 00:02:39,850 --> 00:02:41,680 It's always me, right? 38 00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:45,180 Well, it's not my sperm count. 39 00:02:45,270 --> 00:02:47,850 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 40 00:02:47,930 --> 00:02:49,680 That's my boy! 41 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,140 Whoo! Whoo! 42 00:02:54,060 --> 00:02:55,980 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 43 00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:58,470 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 44 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,810 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 45 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,890 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 46 00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:06,980 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler, 47 00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:09,180 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 48 00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:11,270 Get your hands off my junk! 49 00:03:14,730 --> 00:03:18,560 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 50 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,850 while masturbating... 51 00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:23,470 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 52 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,640 But I have some eggs frozen, 53 00:03:25,730 --> 00:03:29,350 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know-- 54 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,020 NARRATOR: And so it went for generations, 55 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:39,060 although few, if any, seemed to notice. 56 00:03:39,140 --> 00:03:44,850 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C., 57 00:03:44,930 --> 00:03:48,430 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 58 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,680 about to change the entire course of human history. 59 00:03:52,770 --> 00:03:54,810 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 60 00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:00,850 Hey, Bauers. 61 00:04:00,930 --> 00:04:03,560 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 62 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,390 -My what? I'm gettin' replaced? -Yeah, they didn't tell you? 63 00:04:07,470 --> 00:04:09,600 No. Some new assignment. 64 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,140 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 65 00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:14,930 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 66 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:18,890 -I'm good at this. -Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 67 00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:21,390 No one ever comes in here. 68 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,600 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 69 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,770 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. 70 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:31,100 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 71 00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:34,140 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 72 00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:38,770 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 73 00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:42,430 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 74 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,140 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." 75 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:50,220 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 76 00:04:50,310 --> 00:04:52,270 That doesn't embarrass me. 77 00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:54,180 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. 78 00:04:54,270 --> 00:04:56,140 You're just gonna have to follow. 79 00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:58,770 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 80 00:04:58,850 --> 00:05:02,810 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 81 00:05:02,890 --> 00:05:06,890 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 82 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,020 MAN: Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers, 83 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:20,310 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 84 00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:22,430 Now, as you know, throughout the years, 85 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,930 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 86 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,430 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 87 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,980 With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men, 88 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:35,140 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 89 00:05:35,220 --> 00:05:39,020 Joe, here, is not one of our best men. 90 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:43,680 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 91 00:05:43,770 --> 00:05:48,520 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. 92 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,350 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 93 00:05:51,430 --> 00:05:53,890 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried, 94 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:56,390 is an only child, and both parents are deceased, 95 00:05:56,470 --> 00:06:00,140 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 96 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:02,470 should something go wrong with the experiment. 97 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,890 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 98 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:11,060 and were forced to look into the private sector. 99 00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:14,680 This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. 100 00:06:14,770 --> 00:06:17,680 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 101 00:06:17,770 --> 00:06:21,770 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 102 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:25,560 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp, 103 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,640 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-- 104 00:06:31,310 --> 00:06:35,520 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. 105 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,850 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 106 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:41,180 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 107 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:44,600 with the local authorities in running his pimp game. 108 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:49,890 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. 109 00:06:49,980 --> 00:06:52,680 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 110 00:06:52,770 --> 00:06:55,100 Sure. Let me just finish here. 111 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:59,430 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 112 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,680 Collins! 113 00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:05,430 Fine. We'll move on. 114 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,350 It is a fascinating world though. 115 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:23,350 Jesus, Collins. 116 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,730 Yeah, that's-- 117 00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:31,770 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 118 00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:33,930 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 119 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,390 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 120 00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:38,770 As you know, this is highly classified. 121 00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:43,890 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely. 122 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,140 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 123 00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:57,680 What unit are you with? Oh, I ain't in the service. 124 00:07:57,770 --> 00:08:00,810 Oh, private sector. Okay. 125 00:08:00,890 --> 00:08:05,270 So, uh, what do you do? A little of this, a little of that. 126 00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:07,770 Wow, that's great. 127 00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:10,640 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- 128 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:12,810 doing a little of this and a little of that. 129 00:08:12,890 --> 00:08:17,640 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures, 130 00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,520 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 131 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,640 Yeah. 132 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,470 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 133 00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:30,520 Uh, yeah. You do paintings or-- 134 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,270 -Yeah, paintings. -Okay, great. 135 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,560 -Mm-hmm. -What do you paint mostly? 136 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:43,680 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit. 137 00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:48,980 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 138 00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:51,730 Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 139 00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:53,390 COLLINS: Who wants to go first? 140 00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:56,100 Me. 141 00:09:00,770 --> 00:09:04,270 What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 142 00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:08,060 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all. 143 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:11,180 -What's the matter? -Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 144 00:09:11,270 --> 00:09:13,390 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 145 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:16,350 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 146 00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,060 Who's Upgrayedd? 147 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:20,180 He's my boyfriend. 148 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,560 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 149 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,560 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 150 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,390 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 151 00:09:28,470 --> 00:09:31,390 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep, 152 00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:33,390 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 153 00:09:33,470 --> 00:09:35,560 It'll be fine. All right. 154 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:40,930 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 155 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:44,100 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 156 00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:45,890 His name was Untgrad. 157 00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:47,980 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 158 00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,890 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 159 00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,770 See you in a year. 160 00:10:01,850 --> 00:10:04,600 NARRATOR: The Human Hibernation Project... 161 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,810 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 162 00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:10,640 and one of its most secretive. 163 00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:13,350 But it was not immune from human error. 164 00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:17,980 Freeze! 165 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,310 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed, 166 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,140 the base was closed. 167 00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:38,100 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten. 168 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:44,100 Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. 169 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:47,470 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed, 170 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,770 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. 171 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,980 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 172 00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:06,180 would correct this trend in evolution. 173 00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:09,220 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 174 00:11:09,310 --> 00:11:14,520 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. 175 00:11:17,140 --> 00:11:22,520 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 176 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:27,060 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems. 177 00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:32,310 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever, 178 00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:37,310 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505, 179 00:11:37,390 --> 00:11:42,730 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever. 180 00:12:16,850 --> 00:12:19,560 Hold on. MAN ON TV: Next, on The Violence Channel, 181 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,980 an all-new Ow! My Balls! 182 00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:38,270 -All right. 183 00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:47,770 MAN WATCHING TV: That guy got hit in the balls. 184 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,430 Ow, my balls! 185 00:12:54,310 --> 00:12:56,140 Huh? 186 00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:06,470 JOE: Where's-- Hold on. Shut up! 187 00:13:18,770 --> 00:13:21,350 -Where's Officer Collins? -Shut up! 188 00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:25,140 MAN ON TV: Next week on Ow! My Balls!, Hormel goes to Paris! 189 00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:29,810 -Are we on base? -I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 190 00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:33,470 In your face, ass! Shut up. 191 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,640 I'm sorry. It's just-- Where am I? 192 00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:37,930 Shut up! I told you already! 193 00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:48,310 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 194 00:13:48,390 --> 00:13:50,180 Come in here and not shut up. 195 00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:53,770 Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like-- 196 00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:11,060 NARRATOR: Unaware of what year it was, 197 00:14:11,140 --> 00:14:14,180 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. 198 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,980 But the English language had deteriorated... 199 00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:21,850 into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. 200 00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:25,560 Joe was able to understand them, 201 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,890 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice, 202 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:31,810 he sounded pompous and faggy to them. 203 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:51,470 MAN ON P.A.: Paging Doc-- 204 00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:57,850 Report to, uh-- 205 00:14:57,930 --> 00:15:02,270 Dr. Lueboo, 206 00:15:02,350 --> 00:15:04,730 uh, report. 207 00:15:04,810 --> 00:15:06,850 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 208 00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:08,850 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 209 00:15:08,930 --> 00:15:11,600 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 210 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:16,730 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 211 00:15:16,810 --> 00:15:19,560 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 212 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,770 I've been hallucinating. 213 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:24,220 My head is just killin' me. 214 00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:27,520 My-My-My joints are all achy and I-- 215 00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:31,270 Is this a hospital or-- 216 00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:35,310 -Actually, I don't even know where I am. - 217 00:15:35,390 --> 00:15:37,600 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right, 218 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:42,060 -and have a healthy day! -Oh. Thanks. 219 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:44,020 Thank you! 220 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:59,270 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 221 00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:02,270 -I was just looking for some regular water. -Water? 222 00:16:02,350 --> 00:16:05,350 -Yeah. -You mean like in the toilet? What for? 223 00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:08,390 You know, just to drink. 224 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,140 ELECTRONIC VOICE: You've got hepatitis! 225 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:20,980 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 226 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:24,980 Your illness is very important to us. 227 00:16:25,060 --> 00:16:27,980 -MAN: Next. -ELECTRONIC VOICE: Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno, 228 00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:30,140 powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth. 229 00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:35,560 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 230 00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:39,430 Come on. 231 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,600 -Hurry up, asshole! -Come on! 232 00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:46,520 Shit. Hang on a second. 233 00:16:48,310 --> 00:16:50,680 This one-- No. 234 00:16:50,770 --> 00:16:52,640 -Hey, come on. -Uh-- 235 00:16:52,730 --> 00:16:56,060 -Hurry up! -This one. This one goes in your mouth. 236 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,310 Come on! 237 00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:08,890 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly. 238 00:17:14,430 --> 00:17:17,220 That's a weird misprint. 239 00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:22,390 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 240 00:17:22,470 --> 00:17:26,390 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 241 00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:29,520 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 242 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,520 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 243 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,060 But if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base-- 244 00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:39,060 Right. Kick ass. 245 00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,220 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', 246 00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:45,180 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 247 00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:48,730 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. 248 00:17:48,810 --> 00:17:53,220 What I'd do is just like, like, you know, 249 00:17:53,310 --> 00:17:56,600 like, you know what I mean? Like-- 250 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:01,060 -No, I'm serious here. - Don't worry, scrot. 251 00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:04,060 Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 252 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:07,560 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now. 253 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,600 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 254 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,470 There's that fag talk we talked about. 255 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:17,430 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars. 256 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,730 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit. 257 00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:25,600 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 258 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,810 -What are the odds of-- -Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 259 00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:32,680 Why don't you have this? 260 00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:37,310 Oh, God. 261 00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:42,430 -Where's your tattoo? -Oh, my God. 262 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,020 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 263 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,640 JOE: Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you? 264 00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:53,100 Oh, my God! 265 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:56,640 -You're unscannable. - 266 00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:59,640 -Unscannable! -No! No, you don't understand! 267 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:02,310 You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second. 268 00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:05,140 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 269 00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:06,850 Oh, my God! Oh! 270 00:19:06,930 --> 00:19:08,980 - 271 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:12,140 -No! Stop! Calm down! -Calm down! Calm down! 272 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,350 -How'd this happen? -How did it happen? 273 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:17,810 -Your floor is now clean. 274 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,220 Your floor is now clean. 275 00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:44,390 NARRATOR: Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. 276 00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:47,680 The economy was in a state of deep neglect. 277 00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:51,520 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. 278 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:56,350 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 279 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,220 And that's all it was for 90 minutes. 280 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:08,600 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay. 281 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,850 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 282 00:20:15,930 --> 00:20:18,890 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 283 00:20:18,980 --> 00:20:21,850 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 284 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,730 I said I didn't get any. 285 00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,560 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you. Your account has been charged. 286 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,850 Your balance is zero. 287 00:20:27,930 --> 00:20:31,270 What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 288 00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:33,220 I'm sorry you're having trouble. 289 00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:35,730 Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble. 290 00:20:38,310 --> 00:20:40,770 This should help you calm down. 291 00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:43,770 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 292 00:20:43,850 --> 00:20:49,220 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 293 00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:54,140 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. 294 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,350 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating." 295 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,560 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 296 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,140 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco, 297 00:21:04,220 --> 00:21:06,600 now with more molecules? 298 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,770 Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 299 00:21:09,850 --> 00:21:14,020 -Me? No. -Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 300 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,680 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 301 00:21:22,350 --> 00:21:24,980 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment. 302 00:21:25,060 --> 00:21:27,470 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment. 303 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,770 -Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. - 304 00:21:30,850 --> 00:21:32,930 NARRATOR: Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 305 00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:36,600 and not having his U.P.C. tattoo. 306 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:41,810 He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... 307 00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:45,770 but had become rather retarded as well. 308 00:21:45,850 --> 00:21:49,060 You shut up! Now-- 309 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,640 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 310 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:58,140 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here. 311 00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:02,520 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money, 312 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,930 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 313 00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:09,930 one of them court-appointed lawyers. 314 00:22:10,020 --> 00:22:14,930 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo. 315 00:22:15,060 --> 00:22:16,850 You're my lawyer? 316 00:22:16,930 --> 00:22:21,350 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 317 00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:23,890 Why'd you do that? Yeah. I'm not guilty. 318 00:22:23,980 --> 00:22:26,730 That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the-- 319 00:22:26,810 --> 00:22:28,890 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 320 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:31,850 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod. 321 00:22:31,930 --> 00:22:34,020 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 322 00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:37,730 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 323 00:22:37,810 --> 00:22:40,850 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 324 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,560 He talks like a fag too. 325 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:50,470 And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... 326 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,520 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 327 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,180 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. 328 00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:58,770 -I know! 329 00:22:58,850 --> 00:23:02,430 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man. 330 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:05,390 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace. 331 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,850 -Objection! -What are you objectifyin' on? 332 00:23:13,930 --> 00:23:16,100 Come on. Just get me on the stand. Okay. 333 00:23:17,140 --> 00:23:19,850 -Um, Your Honor? -Hmm? 334 00:23:19,930 --> 00:23:21,890 I object... 335 00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:25,850 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 336 00:23:25,930 --> 00:23:28,350 -Yeah. -What? 337 00:23:28,430 --> 00:23:32,890 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 338 00:23:32,980 --> 00:23:36,020 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! 339 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:37,930 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 340 00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:40,270 And I object. 341 00:23:40,350 --> 00:23:43,930 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 342 00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:48,770 -That is not okay! And I rest my case! 343 00:23:48,850 --> 00:23:51,270 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 344 00:23:51,350 --> 00:23:54,430 -I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. - 345 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,060 -Please, listen. -"Please, listen." 346 00:23:57,140 --> 00:23:59,060 -I didn't steal anything. 347 00:23:59,140 --> 00:24:01,270 I was part of an army experiment-- 348 00:24:01,350 --> 00:24:04,100 NARRATOR: Joe stated his case logically and passionately, 349 00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:09,100 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter. 350 00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:11,470 -Guilty! - 351 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,890 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence. 352 00:24:15,980 --> 00:24:20,640 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 353 00:24:20,730 --> 00:24:24,980 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 354 00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:28,770 FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance. 355 00:24:28,850 --> 00:24:31,100 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 356 00:24:31,180 --> 00:24:33,100 Upgrayedd. 357 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:38,810 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 358 00:24:38,890 --> 00:24:41,140 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 359 00:24:41,220 --> 00:24:43,270 Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby. 360 00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:45,770 Hey, look, can you just-- can you wait a second, please? 361 00:24:45,850 --> 00:24:50,220 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 362 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:53,220 Really? 363 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,850 Think, uh-- You think maybe you could wait a day? 364 00:24:56,930 --> 00:24:59,100 Baby, I can wait two days. 365 00:24:59,180 --> 00:25:03,850 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 366 00:25:03,930 --> 00:25:07,810 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 367 00:25:07,890 --> 00:25:09,810 Thank you very much, young man. 368 00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:13,730 What the fuck? 369 00:25:13,810 --> 00:25:16,390 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 370 00:25:18,310 --> 00:25:20,350 What are we doin' here? 371 00:25:20,430 --> 00:25:22,890 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 372 00:25:26,060 --> 00:25:29,060 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 373 00:25:29,140 --> 00:25:33,810 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 374 00:25:34,930 --> 00:25:37,350 Thank you. 375 00:25:37,430 --> 00:25:40,850 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card-- 376 00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:44,390 Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if-- 377 00:25:44,470 --> 00:25:48,520 You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure? 378 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,520 No, it's not correct. 379 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:54,180 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 380 00:25:54,270 --> 00:25:56,390 No, it's not. My name is Joe-- 381 00:25:56,470 --> 00:25:58,220 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 382 00:25:58,310 --> 00:26:02,020 Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My-- 383 00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:04,560 My last name is not Sure. 384 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,350 -Thank you, Not Sure. -No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 385 00:26:07,430 --> 00:26:12,680 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 386 00:26:14,770 --> 00:26:17,680 -Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? - 387 00:26:17,770 --> 00:26:19,930 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 388 00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:23,560 They're gonna tat-- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 389 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,680 -Ow! -Please hold still for your photograph. 390 00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:31,810 - 391 00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:38,730 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 392 00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:43,270 Okay, sir, 393 00:26:43,350 --> 00:26:47,470 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests. 394 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,770 What for? 395 00:26:49,850 --> 00:26:54,100 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 396 00:26:54,180 --> 00:26:59,140 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail. 397 00:26:59,220 --> 00:27:02,140 ELECTRONIC VOICE: If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 398 00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:04,770 and another bucket that holds five gallons, 399 00:27:04,850 --> 00:27:07,770 how many buckets do you have? 400 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,430 Two? 401 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,730 Thank you. 402 00:27:21,180 --> 00:27:24,310 what's the matter 403 00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:30,640 Oh, everything done changed 404 00:27:33,270 --> 00:27:36,890 to make you understand 405 00:27:39,930 --> 00:27:43,180 everybody-- they tell me 406 00:27:43,270 --> 00:27:46,430 the hoodoo man 407 00:27:48,850 --> 00:27:51,350 your bell this mornin' 408 00:27:51,430 --> 00:27:54,680 Baby, you had your elevator running slow -'Too. 409 00:27:54,770 --> 00:27:58,180 little girl, to take me up on the third floor 410 00:28:01,100 --> 00:28:06,350 you understand 411 00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:14,680 That somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man - 412 00:28:17,930 --> 00:28:20,680 NARRATOR: Desperate and scared, 413 00:28:20,770 --> 00:28:23,730 Joe used his superior intelligence... 414 00:28:23,810 --> 00:28:26,850 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of. 415 00:28:26,930 --> 00:28:32,470 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 416 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,850 Yeah. 417 00:28:35,930 --> 00:28:38,890 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 418 00:28:38,980 --> 00:28:42,180 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 419 00:28:42,270 --> 00:28:43,980 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 420 00:29:00,930 --> 00:29:03,600 'Too. Yeah. Got it. 421 00:29:06,180 --> 00:29:11,390 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 422 00:29:11,470 --> 00:29:13,470 Could you check again? 423 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,770 'Cause, I was, you know-- I was definitely in prison, okay? 424 00:29:16,850 --> 00:29:20,680 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 425 00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:31,390 -ELECTRONIC VOICE: "Excape." "Excape." 426 00:29:31,470 --> 00:29:34,100 "Excape." "Excape." 427 00:29:34,180 --> 00:29:38,060 "Excape." "Excape." 428 00:29:55,100 --> 00:29:57,310 MAN: The Masturbation Network. 429 00:29:57,390 --> 00:30:00,930 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 430 00:30:01,020 --> 00:30:03,810 -And now, Sweet Bang Tube. - 431 00:30:03,890 --> 00:30:08,470 -Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. - 432 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,640 Oh, yeah, that's-- 433 00:30:10,730 --> 00:30:12,640 Go away! 'Batin'! 434 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:16,980 Damn it. 435 00:30:17,060 --> 00:30:19,520 All right. 436 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,640 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 437 00:30:24,730 --> 00:30:28,810 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 438 00:30:28,890 --> 00:30:32,310 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 439 00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:35,310 Hey, I could have you disbarred-- disbarred-- for what you did to me. 440 00:30:35,390 --> 00:30:38,020 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 441 00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:40,310 Oh, really? 442 00:30:40,390 --> 00:30:43,680 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 443 00:30:43,770 --> 00:30:45,850 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 444 00:30:45,930 --> 00:30:48,890 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 445 00:30:48,980 --> 00:30:51,810 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 446 00:30:51,890 --> 00:30:53,850 With Einstein and guys like that? Uh-huh. 447 00:30:53,930 --> 00:30:56,470 -You know, scientists? You know? -Uh. 448 00:30:57,810 --> 00:30:59,680 A time machine, for time travel. 449 00:30:59,770 --> 00:31:02,350 Do they have one? What? 450 00:31:06,770 --> 00:31:10,640 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 451 00:31:11,730 --> 00:31:13,810 No, no, they got a time machine. 452 00:31:13,890 --> 00:31:15,850 They do? Yeah. 453 00:31:15,930 --> 00:31:18,220 Are-Are-Are you sure? Yeah. 454 00:31:18,310 --> 00:31:21,930 -Can it get me back to 2005? -Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 455 00:31:22,020 --> 00:31:25,220 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 456 00:31:25,310 --> 00:31:27,390 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 457 00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:29,060 Well-- Please! 458 00:31:29,140 --> 00:31:32,390 Listen, I-- I-- I "supersize" with you, 459 00:31:32,470 --> 00:31:35,220 but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money? 460 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:39,430 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 461 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:41,560 I open a savings account in your name. 462 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,180 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 463 00:31:44,270 --> 00:31:46,020 Billions! 'Cause? 464 00:31:46,100 --> 00:31:48,730 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 465 00:31:48,810 --> 00:31:51,390 -Oh, I-- I like money. -Yeah. 466 00:31:51,470 --> 00:31:54,390 -How many billions? -Like, 10. 467 00:31:54,470 --> 00:31:57,730 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 468 00:31:57,810 --> 00:32:00,640 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 469 00:32:00,730 --> 00:32:04,100 Thirty billion dollars. 470 00:32:04,180 --> 00:32:08,470 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion, 471 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,600 and the time machine's 20-- 472 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:12,600 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 473 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,560 Uh, it's, uh-- it's 80, Frito. 474 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,100 It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 475 00:32:18,180 --> 00:32:21,980 -Yeah. I like money though. -MAN: Police! Open the door! 476 00:32:22,060 --> 00:32:24,270 -We're looking for an "excaped" individual. 477 00:32:24,350 --> 00:32:27,930 -This particular individual's name is Not Sure. -Eighty billion. 478 00:32:28,020 --> 00:32:32,140 Oh, um, he-- He's... somewhere else. 479 00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:36,470 -You got something I can wear? -Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 480 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:38,430 POLICEMAN: A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo. 481 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,470 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile." 482 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,140 -Okay, sir, we're comin' in. 483 00:32:44,220 --> 00:32:46,470 -No, you can't come in. -Can too! 484 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,600 Come on! All right, let's go get my billions. 485 00:32:51,060 --> 00:32:55,020 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 486 00:32:55,100 --> 00:32:57,980 Is she bangin'? Yeah, sure, she is. 487 00:32:58,060 --> 00:33:00,020 That wasn't really part of the deal. 488 00:33:00,100 --> 00:33:04,020 Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? I like money. 489 00:33:04,100 --> 00:33:07,140 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 490 00:33:07,220 --> 00:33:12,100 Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 491 00:33:12,180 --> 00:33:15,430 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 492 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:19,470 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 493 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,140 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 494 00:33:22,220 --> 00:33:25,060 Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah? 495 00:33:25,140 --> 00:33:28,220 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 496 00:33:28,310 --> 00:33:31,810 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 497 00:33:31,890 --> 00:33:34,350 -Hey, you still on the clock! -Yeah, girl. 498 00:33:34,430 --> 00:33:37,680 Thank you! Rita! 499 00:33:37,770 --> 00:33:41,520 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 500 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,020 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 501 00:33:44,100 --> 00:33:46,020 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 502 00:33:46,100 --> 00:33:48,520 Where we going? Just get in the car. 503 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:50,730 Trust me. What happened to those army guys? 504 00:33:53,730 --> 00:33:56,350 Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 505 00:33:56,430 --> 00:34:00,020 Yeah. And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 506 00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:02,520 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 507 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,640 Into that dust storm, Frito. 508 00:34:10,810 --> 00:34:12,890 JOE: They must have just forgotten about us. 509 00:34:12,980 --> 00:34:16,560 RITA: It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! 510 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:20,600 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 511 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:22,890 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 512 00:34:22,980 --> 00:34:25,560 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 513 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:29,560 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit. 514 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:34,890 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 515 00:34:34,980 --> 00:34:37,730 -Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? -Yeah. 516 00:34:37,810 --> 00:34:41,350 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past, 517 00:34:41,430 --> 00:34:43,730 but there was no time machine back then, so-- 518 00:34:43,810 --> 00:34:46,890 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week-- 519 00:34:46,980 --> 00:34:49,890 He will find a way to come get his money! 520 00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:53,060 -All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-- -You know what? 521 00:34:53,140 --> 00:34:55,890 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago, 522 00:34:55,980 --> 00:34:58,100 when you were trying to tell me to get into some sort of tricked out army coffin. 523 00:34:58,180 --> 00:35:00,560 -Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? - 524 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,730 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 525 00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:07,430 ELECTRONIC VOICE: You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure. 526 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:11,270 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 527 00:35:11,350 --> 00:35:14,310 Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. Thank you for your help. 528 00:35:14,390 --> 00:35:16,600 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 529 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:19,730 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 530 00:35:19,810 --> 00:35:22,600 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 531 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:26,560 -What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? -Turned off my battery. 532 00:35:31,060 --> 00:35:34,470 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 533 00:35:38,270 --> 00:35:39,600 Oh, shit. 534 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,980 Oh! Oh, shit! 535 00:35:50,060 --> 00:35:52,600 -Yeah! 536 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:56,980 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car. 537 00:35:57,060 --> 00:36:00,810 FRITO: Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire! 538 00:36:00,890 --> 00:36:02,730 Come on! Let's get out of here. 539 00:36:12,100 --> 00:36:14,270 RITA: Hey, how much farther is it? 540 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:18,470 Uh, it's, like, far. 541 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:22,020 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 542 00:36:22,100 --> 00:36:25,600 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe. 543 00:36:28,390 --> 00:36:31,140 faster than an airplane 544 00:36:31,220 --> 00:36:34,350 Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going? 545 00:36:34,430 --> 00:36:36,680 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 546 00:36:36,770 --> 00:36:40,350 -How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 547 00:36:40,430 --> 00:36:44,680 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 548 00:36:44,770 --> 00:36:47,470 JOE: He's a goddamned idiot. 549 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:52,270 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 550 00:37:10,470 --> 00:37:14,350 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 551 00:37:14,430 --> 00:37:17,850 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 552 00:37:17,930 --> 00:37:21,930 So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay? 553 00:37:22,020 --> 00:37:23,930 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 554 00:37:24,020 --> 00:37:27,350 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 555 00:37:32,180 --> 00:37:37,680 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 556 00:37:38,810 --> 00:37:41,220 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 557 00:37:41,310 --> 00:37:43,270 - 558 00:37:43,350 --> 00:37:47,060 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 559 00:37:55,140 --> 00:37:57,430 RITA: We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 560 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:00,770 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 561 00:38:00,850 --> 00:38:02,930 In Costco? 562 00:38:03,020 --> 00:38:05,470 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself. 563 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,220 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings. 564 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,600 Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you, 565 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,730 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it. 566 00:38:26,390 --> 00:38:28,180 WOMAN: Hey, baby, wanna go out? 567 00:38:28,270 --> 00:38:31,020 Wanna go out, honey? 568 00:38:37,730 --> 00:38:40,140 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 569 00:38:40,220 --> 00:38:44,020 -Do I got time to use the bathroom? - 570 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:48,980 FRITO: Uh, the toilet. Be right back. 571 00:38:49,930 --> 00:38:52,470 Yeah, back that thing up. 572 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:54,770 Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? What? 573 00:38:54,850 --> 00:38:56,810 I like having sex with chicks. Yeah? 574 00:38:56,890 --> 00:38:58,850 Yeah. I think everybody does, Frito. 575 00:38:58,930 --> 00:39:02,350 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 576 00:39:02,430 --> 00:39:04,850 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you-- 577 00:39:04,930 --> 00:39:07,220 -That's real good. -Then you-- Oh, yeah! 578 00:39:07,310 --> 00:39:09,140 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 579 00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:11,470 ELECTRONIC VOICE: Warning! Warning! 580 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,060 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702. 581 00:39:14,140 --> 00:39:16,520 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 582 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,850 I don't care. Come on! 583 00:39:18,930 --> 00:39:23,390 -Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 584 00:39:23,470 --> 00:39:25,520 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 585 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,350 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past, 586 00:39:28,430 --> 00:39:30,390 I tell her not to do the experiment. 587 00:39:30,470 --> 00:39:32,680 -Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? -Uh-- 588 00:39:32,770 --> 00:39:34,850 No, wait. ELECTRONIC VOICE: Please stand clear of the doors. 589 00:39:34,930 --> 00:39:37,680 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 590 00:39:37,770 --> 00:39:40,890 -Uh-- -No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 591 00:39:40,980 --> 00:39:43,520 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 592 00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,560 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 593 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,730 -Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? -I-- 594 00:39:48,810 --> 00:39:51,680 -But then, wait. Why am I still here? -Uh-- 595 00:39:51,770 --> 00:39:53,890 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 596 00:39:53,980 --> 00:39:57,770 -Please stand clear. -POLICEMAN: Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 597 00:39:57,850 --> 00:40:00,520 Put your hands up! Don't move! Freeze! 598 00:40:10,810 --> 00:40:13,890 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail, 599 00:40:13,980 --> 00:40:16,600 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way-- 600 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,930 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 601 00:40:20,060 --> 00:40:24,220 -What? -Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 602 00:40:24,310 --> 00:40:26,600 POLICEMAN: What? 603 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,930 JOE: Ow! God! Hey, stop! Damn it. 604 00:40:31,020 --> 00:40:34,640 JOE: What is this? POLICEMAN: Okay, sir, this is the White House. 605 00:40:34,730 --> 00:40:37,060 What are we doing at the White House? What? 606 00:40:37,140 --> 00:40:39,270 Ow! Ow! Goddamn! 607 00:40:39,350 --> 00:40:42,600 NARRATOR: It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test... 608 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:47,270 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government. 609 00:40:47,350 --> 00:40:51,270 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 610 00:40:51,350 --> 00:40:53,770 The I.Q. test you took in prison. 611 00:40:53,850 --> 00:40:56,640 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 612 00:40:56,730 --> 00:40:59,600 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho. 613 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,430 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 614 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,470 Okay, so who are you? 615 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,430 I'm the secretary of energy. 616 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,140 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 617 00:41:09,220 --> 00:41:12,980 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 618 00:41:13,060 --> 00:41:16,430 -Why do you keep saying that? -'Cause they pay me every time I do. 619 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:20,270 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 620 00:41:22,020 --> 00:41:24,810 He's the secretary of defense. Hi. 621 00:41:24,890 --> 00:41:27,680 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 622 00:41:27,770 --> 00:41:30,140 Hi. 623 00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:32,430 And that's the secretary of education. 624 00:41:34,350 --> 00:41:37,810 He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother. 625 00:41:37,890 --> 00:41:40,140 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 626 00:41:40,220 --> 00:41:43,890 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake, 627 00:41:43,980 --> 00:41:47,520 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 628 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:51,600 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 629 00:41:55,980 --> 00:42:00,020 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 630 00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:03,470 -I don't even know what it is. -SECRETARY Of STATE: You better find out. 631 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,390 -Sit down. It's President Camacho. -Hey, hey, hey, yo, 632 00:42:06,470 --> 00:42:10,220 I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside. 633 00:42:10,310 --> 00:42:15,390 NARRATOR: Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion, 634 00:42:15,470 --> 00:42:19,310 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 635 00:42:19,390 --> 00:42:22,850 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world. 636 00:42:22,930 --> 00:42:25,810 -So you smart, huh? -No, no. 637 00:42:29,270 --> 00:42:32,430 -I thought your head would be bigger. - 638 00:42:35,270 --> 00:42:37,560 Goddamn. 639 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:40,020 It look like a peanut. 640 00:42:40,100 --> 00:42:42,020 Let's get you sworn in. 641 00:42:56,520 --> 00:43:00,060 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America! 642 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,930 ANNOUNCER: President Camacho! 643 00:43:07,020 --> 00:43:09,930 Shut up. 644 00:43:10,020 --> 00:43:14,220 Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. 645 00:43:14,310 --> 00:43:16,020 Chill out. 646 00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:21,680 Shit. 647 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:27,060 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. 648 00:43:27,140 --> 00:43:31,640 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 649 00:43:31,730 --> 00:43:33,770 MAN: Yeah! 650 00:43:33,850 --> 00:43:36,270 -But I got a solution. -That's what you said last time, dipshit! 651 00:43:36,350 --> 00:43:38,600 I got a solution. You're a dick! 652 00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:41,140 South Carolina, "whassup?" 653 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,930 That's what I thought! 654 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,930 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now, 655 00:43:58,020 --> 00:44:00,680 but listen up. 656 00:44:00,770 --> 00:44:03,470 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 657 00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:05,020 MAN: Break it down, Camacho! 658 00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:10,470 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 659 00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:15,020 -Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. than any man alive. - 660 00:44:15,100 --> 00:44:19,470 -And number three, he's gonna fix everything. - 661 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,140 I give you my word as president. 662 00:44:23,220 --> 00:44:25,520 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 663 00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,100 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 664 00:44:28,180 --> 00:44:33,140 -Crops? -And that ain't all. 665 00:44:35,100 --> 00:44:38,430 the dust storms too 666 00:44:42,770 --> 00:44:46,350 the "ecomony" 667 00:44:51,060 --> 00:44:56,350 He's gonna do it all in one week - 668 00:44:56,430 --> 00:45:00,020 Narrator: President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 669 00:45:00,100 --> 00:45:03,810 that Joe would solve all their problems. 670 00:45:03,890 --> 00:45:07,890 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy, 671 00:45:07,980 --> 00:45:10,730 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well. 672 00:45:10,810 --> 00:45:13,220 And if he didn't, 673 00:45:13,310 --> 00:45:15,930 President Camacho made another promise. 674 00:45:16,020 --> 00:45:19,600 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth. 675 00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:23,980 -And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. - 676 00:45:28,310 --> 00:45:30,600 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 677 00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:32,850 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 678 00:45:32,930 --> 00:45:34,430 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 679 00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:37,270 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 680 00:45:37,350 --> 00:45:42,060 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 681 00:45:42,140 --> 00:45:46,430 Besides, you do a kick-ass job, 682 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:48,730 you get a full presidential pardon. 683 00:45:48,810 --> 00:45:50,730 No jail time. 684 00:45:50,810 --> 00:45:54,430 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 685 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,730 And get you one too. 686 00:46:02,470 --> 00:46:04,470 Shit! 687 00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:07,140 Hold on, vato! 688 00:46:07,220 --> 00:46:08,980 Whoo! 689 00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,730 -Do somethin' smart. -Yeah. 690 00:46:33,020 --> 00:46:36,680 Uh, okay. Uh-- 691 00:46:36,770 --> 00:46:39,770 -I'll, uh-- - 692 00:46:39,850 --> 00:46:43,520 -Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. -Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 693 00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:48,680 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel. 694 00:46:48,770 --> 00:46:50,770 You understand? So I'll be right back. 695 00:46:50,850 --> 00:46:54,140 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 696 00:46:54,220 --> 00:46:58,850 -Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. -Sounds pretty smart. 697 00:46:58,930 --> 00:47:01,140 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 698 00:47:01,220 --> 00:47:03,980 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 699 00:47:04,060 --> 00:47:05,930 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 700 00:47:06,020 --> 00:47:08,140 Yeah? Yeah. 701 00:47:08,220 --> 00:47:11,310 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 702 00:47:11,390 --> 00:47:14,020 I don't know the first thing about growin' crops, 703 00:47:14,100 --> 00:47:16,310 much less the goddamn "ecomony." 704 00:47:16,390 --> 00:47:18,350 Econ-Economy. 705 00:47:18,430 --> 00:47:21,520 Let's see. Growin' crops-- 706 00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:25,180 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 707 00:47:25,270 --> 00:47:29,220 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 708 00:47:29,310 --> 00:47:31,520 It's, like-- It's, like, by the museum, 709 00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,390 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 710 00:47:34,470 --> 00:47:38,730 More like-- But on the street. You go, um-- Wait. Let me start over. 711 00:47:38,810 --> 00:47:40,850 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 712 00:47:40,930 --> 00:47:43,850 Hey. Just draw me a map, okay? 713 00:47:43,930 --> 00:47:46,850 You still want the money? 714 00:47:46,930 --> 00:47:49,730 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House, 715 00:47:49,810 --> 00:47:54,520 -I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" -Listen. Cut it out! 716 00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:57,520 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 717 00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:00,220 -So act smart! -Smart like you? 718 00:48:00,310 --> 00:48:03,350 "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home." 719 00:48:03,430 --> 00:48:06,270 -I don't talk like that. -"I don't talk like that." 720 00:48:06,350 --> 00:48:08,390 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 721 00:48:08,470 --> 00:48:10,350 See? 722 00:48:10,430 --> 00:48:12,850 SECRETARY Of DEFENSE: Doesn't look that big, is it? 723 00:48:12,930 --> 00:48:16,390 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 724 00:48:16,470 --> 00:48:20,350 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 725 00:48:21,930 --> 00:48:24,640 All right? Hey, come on! 726 00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:31,180 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 727 00:48:31,270 --> 00:48:34,560 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 728 00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,730 Yes, I did. Now look, 729 00:48:37,810 --> 00:48:40,390 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately, 730 00:48:40,470 --> 00:48:44,600 -and Frito will give you a hand with it. -Why? 731 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:49,730 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset, 732 00:48:49,810 --> 00:48:54,640 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize. 733 00:49:01,140 --> 00:49:04,600 Utilize her! Utilize her! 734 00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:06,980 SECRETARY OF STATE: Utilize! 735 00:49:07,060 --> 00:49:09,430 -Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 736 00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:12,270 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 737 00:49:14,350 --> 00:49:17,060 SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Utilize her! Okay. 738 00:49:23,020 --> 00:49:26,350 Dang! May I approach your benches? 739 00:49:31,930 --> 00:49:34,640 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 740 00:49:34,730 --> 00:49:37,470 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 741 00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:41,140 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out. 742 00:49:41,220 --> 00:49:44,850 See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 743 00:49:44,930 --> 00:49:46,930 Oh, yeah. Discreetly. 744 00:49:51,350 --> 00:49:54,100 It's right there. I see it. I see it. 745 00:49:54,180 --> 00:49:56,810 Stand up with me. 746 00:49:56,890 --> 00:50:00,770 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 747 00:50:00,850 --> 00:50:04,020 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 748 00:50:04,100 --> 00:50:08,220 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 749 00:50:08,310 --> 00:50:10,470 Don't worry though. We'll get her out... 750 00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:13,890 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 751 00:50:13,980 --> 00:50:17,060 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 752 00:50:17,140 --> 00:50:19,520 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 753 00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,640 Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am. 754 00:50:21,730 --> 00:50:25,680 -Secretary Not Sure. -Secretary? Secretary of what? 755 00:50:25,770 --> 00:50:30,180 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 756 00:50:30,270 --> 00:50:34,810 You know, in the bushes? 757 00:50:36,430 --> 00:50:38,470 Oh, man. 758 00:50:47,100 --> 00:50:50,430 -Fuck her, Joe! -Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 759 00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:52,890 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 760 00:50:52,980 --> 00:50:56,180 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 761 00:50:56,270 --> 00:50:58,520 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 762 00:51:07,140 --> 00:51:09,270 Okay. Get ready to run. 763 00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:14,520 What? Oh, goddamn it. 764 00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:17,220 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 765 00:51:17,310 --> 00:51:19,430 We'll ask for directions on the way. 766 00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:22,680 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 767 00:51:22,770 --> 00:51:25,680 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 768 00:51:25,770 --> 00:51:28,930 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 769 00:51:29,020 --> 00:51:32,310 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 770 00:51:32,390 --> 00:51:35,270 Oh, yeah? Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 771 00:51:35,350 --> 00:51:37,430 could somehow magically travel through time, 772 00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:40,770 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 773 00:51:40,850 --> 00:51:42,930 So don't worry. You're safe. 774 00:51:43,020 --> 00:51:45,890 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back, 775 00:51:45,980 --> 00:51:48,930 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 776 00:51:49,020 --> 00:51:53,390 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 777 00:51:53,470 --> 00:51:57,470 Hey! She's not puttin' out? 778 00:51:57,560 --> 00:52:01,770 Uh, no, she is. We, uh-- We already did it. 779 00:52:01,850 --> 00:52:04,390 Yeah. He was great. 780 00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:10,310 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh, 781 00:52:10,390 --> 00:52:12,390 if we'd go family-style on her. 782 00:52:14,770 --> 00:52:18,470 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 783 00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:22,730 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later. 784 00:52:28,930 --> 00:52:30,730 What the hell is this? 785 00:52:33,730 --> 00:52:37,470 -Tastes like Gatorade. -RITA: Is that that Brawndo stuff? 786 00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:42,810 JOE: They're watering crops with a sports drink? 787 00:52:42,890 --> 00:52:45,640 NARRATOR: Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 788 00:52:45,730 --> 00:52:47,810 virtually everywhere. 789 00:52:47,890 --> 00:52:50,180 Water, the basic component of all life, 790 00:52:50,270 --> 00:52:53,350 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin. 791 00:52:53,430 --> 00:52:57,020 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 792 00:52:57,100 --> 00:53:01,730 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.A.... 793 00:53:01,810 --> 00:53:03,350 and the F.C.C.... 794 00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:05,730 enabling them to say, do and sell... 795 00:53:05,810 --> 00:53:07,890 anything they wanted. 796 00:53:12,770 --> 00:53:15,220 Joe didn't know any of this, 797 00:53:15,310 --> 00:53:19,520 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve. 798 00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:24,060 With his options running out, Joe took a bold step. 799 00:53:24,140 --> 00:53:26,390 He would not get out of the way. 800 00:53:26,470 --> 00:53:29,310 This time, he would lead. 801 00:53:29,390 --> 00:53:31,680 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 802 00:53:31,770 --> 00:53:34,730 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 803 00:53:34,810 --> 00:53:37,560 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 804 00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:39,560 So wait a minute. What you're saying... 805 00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:43,560 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 806 00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:46,890 -Yes. -Water. Like out the toilet? 807 00:53:46,980 --> 00:53:50,930 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 808 00:53:51,020 --> 00:53:54,220 -But Brawndo's got what plants crave. -It's got electrolytes. 809 00:53:54,310 --> 00:53:56,890 Okay, look. 810 00:53:56,980 --> 00:54:00,060 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 811 00:54:00,140 --> 00:54:04,850 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 812 00:54:04,930 --> 00:54:08,560 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 813 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:12,020 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 814 00:54:12,100 --> 00:54:15,930 -You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 815 00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:20,140 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 816 00:54:20,220 --> 00:54:22,600 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 817 00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:25,270 -Goddamn it. -Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 818 00:54:25,350 --> 00:54:27,600 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 819 00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:30,560 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 820 00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,270 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 821 00:54:33,350 --> 00:54:36,140 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 822 00:54:38,890 --> 00:54:43,600 NARRATOR: After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 823 00:54:43,680 --> 00:54:46,600 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 824 00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:50,140 and that they wanted water. 825 00:54:50,220 --> 00:54:52,810 He made believers out of everyone. 826 00:54:52,890 --> 00:54:56,430 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 827 00:54:56,520 --> 00:55:00,600 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades, 828 00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:03,430 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl. 829 00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:09,270 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water, 830 00:55:09,350 --> 00:55:14,600 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end. 831 00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:18,470 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. 832 00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:22,980 -Or so it seemed. - 833 00:55:23,060 --> 00:55:26,980 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 834 00:55:27,060 --> 00:55:29,140 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 835 00:55:29,220 --> 00:55:34,310 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 836 00:55:34,390 --> 00:55:39,020 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 837 00:55:39,100 --> 00:55:42,730 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 838 00:55:42,810 --> 00:55:45,640 -It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. -Mm-hmm. 839 00:55:45,730 --> 00:55:48,100 -I'm not used to it. -Yeah. Me neither. 840 00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:54,520 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 841 00:55:54,600 --> 00:55:57,020 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 842 00:55:57,100 --> 00:56:01,470 -Now you know why he built that bomb. -Yeah. 843 00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,680 Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops-- 844 00:56:05,770 --> 00:56:08,390 Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. No. No. 845 00:56:08,470 --> 00:56:11,730 They said that you got me a pardon. 846 00:56:11,810 --> 00:56:14,730 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 847 00:56:15,930 --> 00:56:18,640 I guess I owe you one. 848 00:56:20,980 --> 00:56:24,470 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 849 00:56:25,810 --> 00:56:30,100 Oh. No. I'm-- I'm all right. Yeah. 850 00:56:30,180 --> 00:56:34,180 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 851 00:56:34,270 --> 00:56:35,980 You in bed with a stranger. 852 00:56:37,470 --> 00:56:39,890 -Yeah. 853 00:56:42,810 --> 00:56:44,730 I know. I know. 854 00:56:46,770 --> 00:56:51,810 JOE: Yeah. Oh, boy. 855 00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:02,390 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 856 00:57:02,470 --> 00:57:04,640 JOE: Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd. 857 00:57:04,730 --> 00:57:07,100 NARRATOR: Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked. 858 00:57:07,180 --> 00:57:09,470 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero, 859 00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:12,270 leaving half the population unemployed, 860 00:57:12,350 --> 00:57:15,930 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 861 00:57:16,020 --> 00:57:17,930 and screaming for Joe's head. 862 00:57:18,020 --> 00:57:20,640 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 863 00:57:20,730 --> 00:57:23,270 with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation. 864 00:57:23,350 --> 00:57:25,890 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 865 00:57:25,980 --> 00:57:28,270 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 866 00:57:28,350 --> 00:57:31,100 Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero, 867 00:57:31,180 --> 00:57:33,430 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody. 868 00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:36,270 -We're all unemployed! -You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 869 00:57:36,350 --> 00:57:40,310 -Why is this happening? -I think it's because we switched to water, but-- 870 00:57:40,390 --> 00:57:42,980 -You mean this is all your fault? -What? 871 00:57:43,060 --> 00:57:47,020 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 872 00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:50,890 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 873 00:57:53,430 --> 00:57:55,390 ANNOUNCER: Fox News. 874 00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,810 He tried taking water from toilets, 875 00:58:01,890 --> 00:58:05,770 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 876 00:58:05,850 --> 00:58:07,810 And as history pulls down its pants... 877 00:58:07,890 --> 00:58:11,140 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head, 878 00:58:11,220 --> 00:58:15,310 it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time. 879 00:58:15,390 --> 00:58:19,600 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 880 00:58:19,680 --> 00:58:23,430 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 881 00:58:26,100 --> 00:58:30,350 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 882 00:58:30,430 --> 00:58:33,850 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 883 00:58:33,930 --> 00:58:38,020 Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me! 884 00:58:38,100 --> 00:58:40,060 That part of the trial sucked. 885 00:58:40,140 --> 00:58:42,810 But then, the chief "J" just went off. 886 00:58:42,890 --> 00:58:44,810 He said, "Man, whatever. 887 00:58:44,890 --> 00:58:47,810 The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that." 888 00:58:47,890 --> 00:58:51,520 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 889 00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,220 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 890 00:58:54,310 --> 00:58:56,180 Doesn't sound so bad. 891 00:58:56,270 --> 00:58:58,350 Not so bad, huh? 892 00:58:58,430 --> 00:59:01,520 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation. 893 00:59:12,310 --> 00:59:15,730 FORMICA: And who could forget that wonderful finish... 894 00:59:15,810 --> 00:59:18,390 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 895 00:59:18,470 --> 00:59:22,100 And tomorrow night looks even more better. 896 00:59:22,180 --> 00:59:26,600 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 897 00:59:26,680 --> 00:59:29,470 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 898 00:59:31,020 --> 00:59:33,890 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 899 00:59:33,980 --> 00:59:36,770 No. They pretty much fixed that. How? 900 00:59:36,850 --> 00:59:39,180 They chained me to a big rock. 901 00:59:40,310 --> 00:59:42,430 -RITA: Oh. -Yeah. 902 00:59:42,520 --> 00:59:44,890 Look, Rita, get Frito. 903 00:59:44,980 --> 00:59:48,100 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 904 00:59:48,180 --> 00:59:52,220 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 905 00:59:52,310 --> 00:59:55,640 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 906 00:59:55,730 --> 00:59:58,390 Tell people to read books. 907 00:59:58,470 --> 01:00:00,640 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 908 01:00:00,730 --> 01:00:04,270 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 909 01:00:04,350 --> 01:00:07,600 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. 910 01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:12,220 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 911 01:00:12,310 --> 01:00:14,770 So just go back and-- GUARD: Visit's over! 912 01:00:17,850 --> 01:00:21,310 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 913 01:00:22,810 --> 01:00:24,810 Good luck, Joe. 914 01:00:31,890 --> 01:00:34,520 ANNOUNCER: Okay, that's five down and one more to go. 915 01:00:34,600 --> 01:00:38,640 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 916 01:00:38,730 --> 01:00:42,100 Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army. 917 01:00:44,390 --> 01:00:46,310 ANNOUNCER: Okay, we're gonna do this shit. 918 01:00:46,390 --> 01:00:49,350 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem, 919 01:00:49,430 --> 01:00:54,470 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez! 920 01:00:54,560 --> 01:00:57,310 Thank you. Thank you. 921 01:00:57,390 --> 01:01:02,640 MAN: Hey! Come here! 922 01:01:02,730 --> 01:01:06,180 Come here! 923 01:01:06,270 --> 01:01:08,470 ANNOUNCER: Right in the balls! 924 01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:13,180 -That's just how that shit went on TV! 925 01:01:13,270 --> 01:01:17,680 ANNOUNCER: This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 926 01:01:17,770 --> 01:01:19,560 After you've killed someone... 927 01:01:19,640 --> 01:01:21,640 your body needs electrolytes. Yeah. 928 01:01:21,730 --> 01:01:25,020 So, my car's out front... 929 01:01:25,100 --> 01:01:27,350 whenever you want me to take you... 930 01:01:27,430 --> 01:01:29,680 to the time machine. 931 01:01:29,770 --> 01:01:31,680 Thanks, Frito. 932 01:01:31,770 --> 01:01:33,980 Yeah. ANNOUNCER: I can't hear you! 933 01:01:34,060 --> 01:01:36,730 That's a real bummer about Joe, huh? 934 01:01:36,810 --> 01:01:40,020 ANNOUNCER: I can't hear you! Yeah. 935 01:01:40,100 --> 01:01:45,560 Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 936 01:01:56,980 --> 01:02:01,520 ANNOUNCER: Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight. 937 01:02:01,600 --> 01:02:04,890 With a combined record of 62 kills, 938 01:02:04,980 --> 01:02:09,850 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer! 939 01:02:15,600 --> 01:02:21,270 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster! 940 01:02:21,350 --> 01:02:23,430 I get a truck too, right? 941 01:02:23,520 --> 01:02:26,350 Yeah. Here it comes. 942 01:02:35,980 --> 01:02:38,020 Get in. 943 01:02:42,470 --> 01:02:44,850 You still got the chain attached. 944 01:02:47,140 --> 01:02:49,640 -GUARD: Door won't shut. -What about the chain? 945 01:02:49,730 --> 01:02:51,770 We could break it. No. He could escape. 946 01:02:51,850 --> 01:02:55,270 I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. Yeah. That'll work. 947 01:02:58,850 --> 01:03:02,390 -GUARD: Who's smart now? -ANNOUNCER: Let's bring out our criminal. 948 01:03:02,470 --> 01:03:05,560 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops. 949 01:03:05,640 --> 01:03:07,930 He cost millions of people their jobs. 950 01:03:08,020 --> 01:03:11,680 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure! 951 01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:26,100 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 952 01:03:26,180 --> 01:03:28,980 ANNOUNCER: Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 953 01:03:29,060 --> 01:03:31,100 Yes. 954 01:03:32,220 --> 01:03:35,100 I can't watch this. This is-- 955 01:03:35,180 --> 01:03:39,680 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry. 956 01:03:41,430 --> 01:03:45,350 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 957 01:03:45,430 --> 01:03:47,930 He was right. The water-- it worked. 958 01:03:48,020 --> 01:03:50,680 Frito, can you get me over there? 959 01:03:51,430 --> 01:03:53,470 Yes. 960 01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:56,520 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 961 01:03:56,600 --> 01:03:58,730 Uh, this way. Yeah! 962 01:04:03,390 --> 01:04:05,520 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 963 01:04:05,600 --> 01:04:08,140 ANNOUNCER: And now the dude that everybody came here to see, 964 01:04:08,220 --> 01:04:12,020 -Yeah! -the only undefeated officer ever in history, 965 01:04:12,100 --> 01:04:15,810 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass, 966 01:04:15,890 --> 01:04:20,730 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history-- 967 01:04:20,810 --> 01:04:24,730 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster, 968 01:04:24,810 --> 01:04:28,850 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history-- 969 01:04:28,930 --> 01:04:31,850 the brand-new Assdozer! 970 01:04:31,930 --> 01:04:34,770 -Give it up for Beef Supreme! - 971 01:04:38,220 --> 01:04:40,270 Oh! 972 01:04:46,140 --> 01:04:48,180 Oh! 973 01:05:02,310 --> 01:05:05,560 ANNOUNCER: Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh? 974 01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:08,220 We seem to be "experimenting"... 975 01:05:08,310 --> 01:05:11,680 some "techmological" differences, 976 01:05:11,770 --> 01:05:13,730 so, uh, shit. 977 01:05:13,810 --> 01:05:17,270 Frito, look! 978 01:05:17,350 --> 01:05:19,270 It's working everywhere! Huh. 979 01:05:19,350 --> 01:05:23,430 ANNOUNCER: Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks. 980 01:05:23,520 --> 01:05:26,930 Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-- Man. 981 01:05:27,020 --> 01:05:29,220 Hey! Oh, oh, okay. 982 01:05:29,310 --> 01:05:31,390 Get this shit started! We're gonna start without Beef Supreme. 983 01:05:31,470 --> 01:05:35,310 Let the rehabilitation begin! 984 01:05:44,810 --> 01:05:47,430 -Oh, shit. 985 01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:50,430 Come on. Come on. 986 01:05:50,520 --> 01:05:52,980 RITA: Come on, Frito. Hurry! 987 01:05:55,520 --> 01:05:58,310 -Oh! - 988 01:06:02,890 --> 01:06:04,560 Goddamn it. 989 01:06:06,930 --> 01:06:10,850 -Yeah! -Jesus, that was close. 990 01:06:13,350 --> 01:06:16,310 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 991 01:06:16,390 --> 01:06:18,310 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water. 992 01:06:18,390 --> 01:06:21,470 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing. 993 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:24,470 I didn't see no crops. 994 01:06:24,560 --> 01:06:26,270 ANNOUNCER: They're circling around. 995 01:06:26,350 --> 01:06:29,020 They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him! 996 01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:35,060 -This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. -Oh! 997 01:06:55,890 --> 01:06:58,890 ANNOUNCER: So, uh-- So the winner is, uh-- 998 01:07:00,560 --> 01:07:03,890 -Announcer: You gotta be shittin' me. -Did he win? 999 01:07:06,600 --> 01:07:08,930 Uh-oh. Look. 1000 01:07:10,640 --> 01:07:14,310 ANNOUNCER: Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme! 1001 01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:23,680 ANNOUNCER: Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah! 1002 01:07:23,770 --> 01:07:28,060 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 1003 01:07:28,140 --> 01:07:30,770 right by the Starbucks? Uh-huh. 1004 01:07:30,850 --> 01:07:34,890 Hey. Wanna make some money? I like money. 1005 01:07:49,310 --> 01:07:53,520 Hey, um, the, uh-- the main screen is malfunctioning, 1006 01:07:53,600 --> 01:07:56,140 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 1007 01:07:59,310 --> 01:08:02,350 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 1008 01:08:05,470 --> 01:08:08,060 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 1009 01:08:09,180 --> 01:08:11,220 Can't believe you like money too. 1010 01:08:11,310 --> 01:08:13,770 We should hang out. Totally. 1011 01:08:39,060 --> 01:08:41,180 ANNOUNCER: He's behind the truck! 1012 01:08:43,020 --> 01:08:46,020 -Yes! Yes! - 1013 01:08:47,390 --> 01:08:49,140 He's behind the fucking truck! He's over there! 1014 01:08:49,220 --> 01:08:51,680 Announcer: Behind the truck, stupid! 1015 01:09:01,850 --> 01:09:03,560 Look! 1016 01:09:05,730 --> 01:09:09,430 Shit. That's a good deal. 1017 01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:13,930 -FRITO: Extra foam. -I got a bunch of money too. 1018 01:09:14,020 --> 01:09:16,600 Forgot what it was for. Huh. 1019 01:09:18,100 --> 01:09:21,810 -You think it was for lattes? -Yeah. Probably. 1020 01:09:21,890 --> 01:09:25,180 -Frito: You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. 1021 01:09:25,270 --> 01:09:27,060 What the fuck? 1022 01:09:28,220 --> 01:09:30,470 Yeah! Yeah! 1023 01:09:40,270 --> 01:09:43,980 -Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? - 1024 01:09:44,060 --> 01:09:46,100 Can I just say something here? 1025 01:09:48,470 --> 01:09:51,470 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1026 01:09:51,560 --> 01:09:55,310 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1027 01:09:55,390 --> 01:09:59,060 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money, 1028 01:09:59,140 --> 01:10:01,390 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1029 01:10:01,470 --> 01:10:03,560 But I'm tellin' you, 1030 01:10:03,640 --> 01:10:06,020 if you put water on the crops, it might actually-- 1031 01:10:06,100 --> 01:10:09,020 No, it will work. I promise you! 1032 01:10:09,100 --> 01:10:13,560 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. 1033 01:10:13,640 --> 01:10:18,350 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. 1034 01:10:18,430 --> 01:10:23,060 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1035 01:10:23,140 --> 01:10:25,730 Do you really want to live in a world... 1036 01:10:25,810 --> 01:10:29,520 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1037 01:10:40,270 --> 01:10:42,600 Hold on. Just hold on. 1038 01:11:02,890 --> 01:11:06,270 Oh, man. That was great. 1039 01:11:06,350 --> 01:11:09,810 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1040 01:11:09,890 --> 01:11:13,430 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1041 01:11:13,520 --> 01:11:16,810 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1042 01:11:16,890 --> 01:11:19,890 Uh, "Rehabil-- Rehabilate-- 1043 01:11:19,980 --> 01:11:23,060 -Rehabilation." -Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1044 01:11:23,140 --> 01:11:26,810 -You a fag? -I'll fag your face! 1045 01:11:35,470 --> 01:11:38,520 -Come on, Frito. -Yeah. I don't think so. 1046 01:11:39,770 --> 01:11:42,350 Oh, yeah. 1047 01:12:23,810 --> 01:12:28,180 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1048 01:12:36,140 --> 01:12:37,850 Yeah! 1049 01:12:52,430 --> 01:12:55,850 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1050 01:12:55,930 --> 01:12:59,020 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1051 01:12:59,100 --> 01:13:01,220 Yeah, well, 1052 01:13:01,310 --> 01:13:04,390 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know, 1053 01:13:04,470 --> 01:13:08,140 -I thought someone should look out for you too. -Thanks. 1054 01:13:09,770 --> 01:13:12,100 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1055 01:13:12,180 --> 01:13:14,270 even though these people tried to kill me, 1056 01:13:14,350 --> 01:13:17,890 -you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. -Yeah. 1057 01:13:17,980 --> 01:13:20,730 Frito-- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1058 01:13:20,810 --> 01:13:24,020 I just, uh-- I hope he's okay to drive. 1059 01:13:25,470 --> 01:13:28,560 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1060 01:13:28,640 --> 01:13:30,930 Thank you so much. 1061 01:13:31,020 --> 01:13:36,270 -Uh, Joe, I'm not going. -What? 1062 01:13:38,270 --> 01:13:41,890 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1063 01:13:42,020 --> 01:13:44,100 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1064 01:13:44,180 --> 01:13:48,270 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here. 1065 01:13:48,350 --> 01:13:50,980 I'm gonna be a C.E.O. At Starbucks? 1066 01:13:51,060 --> 01:13:53,890 Yeah. Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1067 01:13:55,560 --> 01:13:58,980 Yeah. Sure. 1068 01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:00,980 I guess this is good-bye then. 1069 01:14:02,850 --> 01:14:04,930 CAMACHO: Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1070 01:14:05,020 --> 01:14:09,430 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1071 01:14:09,520 --> 01:14:13,640 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1072 01:14:16,180 --> 01:14:18,430 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1073 01:14:18,520 --> 01:14:21,270 Yo. Yo. 1074 01:14:21,350 --> 01:14:23,350 I have decided... 1075 01:14:23,430 --> 01:14:26,100 to make this man-- 1076 01:14:26,180 --> 01:14:29,100 the man who solved all our problems-- 1077 01:14:30,390 --> 01:14:33,100 I have decided to make him... 1078 01:14:33,180 --> 01:14:35,430 my new vice president. 1079 01:14:38,060 --> 01:14:41,140 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir, 1080 01:14:41,220 --> 01:14:45,140 -but I can't accept it, sir. -What? Why? 1081 01:14:45,220 --> 01:14:50,140 -You know, I gotta get home. -But we still got all these problems. 1082 01:14:50,220 --> 01:14:52,930 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1083 01:14:53,020 --> 01:14:55,850 -How? -Think about it, you know? 1084 01:14:55,930 --> 01:14:59,020 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1085 01:14:59,100 --> 01:15:03,600 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"? 1086 01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:09,560 And what about the nuc-- "nucular" reactor in Florida? 1087 01:15:09,640 --> 01:15:12,020 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1088 01:15:12,100 --> 01:15:17,520 -I thought it was in Georgia. -Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1089 01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:20,520 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1090 01:15:20,600 --> 01:15:23,640 -Yeah! -Good, good. That's a good idea. 1091 01:15:23,730 --> 01:15:26,640 MINISTER OF DEFENSE: Like we did on the crops. Come on, vato. 1092 01:15:26,730 --> 01:15:29,180 Hey, you can't leave. 1093 01:15:29,270 --> 01:15:35,100 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1094 01:15:45,980 --> 01:15:50,060 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1095 01:15:50,140 --> 01:15:53,180 -Forget about the time machine. -Yeah! 1096 01:15:57,310 --> 01:16:00,730 That ride sucks anyways. 1097 01:16:00,810 --> 01:16:02,980 Ride? 1098 01:16:06,310 --> 01:16:08,930 MALE VOICE: Welcome to the Time Masheen. 1099 01:16:09,020 --> 01:16:13,390 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... 1100 01:16:13,470 --> 01:16:15,850 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... 1101 01:16:15,930 --> 01:16:19,220 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world. 1102 01:16:19,310 --> 01:16:22,060 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1103 01:16:22,140 --> 01:16:25,520 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1104 01:16:25,600 --> 01:16:28,140 -Yeah, I guess I did. -Yeah. 1105 01:16:28,220 --> 01:16:30,930 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1106 01:16:31,020 --> 01:16:35,980 -So why didn't you tell us? -'Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1107 01:16:36,060 --> 01:16:39,980 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1108 01:16:40,060 --> 01:16:43,560 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1109 01:16:43,640 --> 01:16:46,560 Uh, uh, uh-- 1110 01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:49,520 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1111 01:16:50,850 --> 01:16:52,930 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1112 01:16:53,020 --> 01:16:58,060 MALE VOICE: But then an even greater force emerged-- the "UN." 1113 01:16:58,140 --> 01:17:02,270 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1114 01:17:02,350 --> 01:17:05,980 NARRATOR: And so, after serving a short term as vice president, 1115 01:17:06,060 --> 01:17:09,600 Joe was elected the President of America. 1116 01:17:09,680 --> 01:17:11,980 Frito became vice president, 1117 01:17:12,060 --> 01:17:14,980 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady. 1118 01:17:15,060 --> 01:17:18,680 Today I step into the shoes of a great man, 1119 01:17:18,770 --> 01:17:22,980 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1120 01:17:23,060 --> 01:17:27,140 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1121 01:17:27,220 --> 01:17:31,140 NARRATOR: Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned. 1122 01:17:31,220 --> 01:17:35,270 You know, there was a time in this country... 1123 01:17:35,350 --> 01:17:39,810 when smart people were considered cool. 1124 01:17:39,890 --> 01:17:42,850 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1125 01:17:42,930 --> 01:17:46,770 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1126 01:17:46,850 --> 01:17:48,560 MAN: Yeah! 1127 01:17:50,520 --> 01:17:54,680 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, 1128 01:17:54,770 --> 01:17:57,180 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1129 01:17:57,270 --> 01:17:59,850 and neither was writing. 1130 01:17:59,930 --> 01:18:03,890 People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1131 01:18:03,980 --> 01:18:08,310 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1132 01:18:08,390 --> 01:18:11,850 And I believe that time can come again! 1133 01:18:23,810 --> 01:18:27,430 Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1134 01:18:30,890 --> 01:18:33,180 NARRATOR: Joe and Rita had three children, 1135 01:18:33,270 --> 01:18:37,060 the three smartest kids in the world. 1136 01:18:37,140 --> 01:18:39,730 Vice President Frito took eight wives... 1137 01:18:39,810 --> 01:18:42,270 and had a total of 32 kids-- 1138 01:18:42,350 --> 01:18:45,680 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth. 1139 01:18:50,810 --> 01:18:54,060 Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, 1140 01:18:54,140 --> 01:18:56,560 but he got the ball rolling, 1141 01:18:56,640 --> 01:19:00,520 and that's pretty good for an average guy. 1142 01:24:00,430 --> 01:24:03,100 I'm gonna go find this ho.